You are not an introvert. It's a confidence issue.

My whole life I heard that I suck at socializing. My friends would make fun of me. Classmates made jokes. And this made it even worse.

But that's how I was. I've always been introspective. I liked being alone and don't need a lot of people around me to have a good time.

So naturally I called myself an introvert.

According to the internet, an introvert is "a typically reserved or quiet person who tends to be introspective and enjoys spending time alone".

And this definition suited me. Every social interaction, every opportunity to meet new people, I rejected. Because I told myself I was an introvert.

Nice, right?

It's the perfect excuse: I don't do that because I'm just not that way.

But it all changed when I graduated, and got a job at a big corporation.

It was then that I realized that I wasn't introvert at all. It turns out I was shy and insecure.

Here's how I transformed from shy and timid, to confident and reliable.

Become very confident in one thing

You don't want to hear it, but confident people rule the world.

When I was younger, I wasn't good at sports. And as this is the only important measurement of capability when you are young, I thought I sucked. At everything.

So I grew up shy and always making myself small. Because other people were better than me.

But luckily the world changes as you get older and most people suck at sports. And you can get valued when you are good at other stuff.

Get good

The number one secret of confident people is that you have to get good at 1 thing.

The confidence you gain in this field flows over to other areas of your life.

Become good at your job or an hobby or a sport. But getting good, becoming confident at your job has the highest ROI.

Become a master at the thing you do.

For once in your life, don't slack. Spend more time and energy than your co-workers in the office. Ask questions. Find better ways. Teach others.

That's how you become a master at your job within 2 years.

I have turned myself into the go-to guy after 3 years at my job. While there are people working for 10+ years who are not as good as me.

And this makes me confident. Because for once in my life I realized: "I am actually good at something!"

The whole narrative in my head changed because of this.

I started to see myself as a functional person. And this confidence spilled to the rest of my life.

That's why sports and hobbies are so important. Activities that you can devote yourself to so you become good at them.

This capability sets you up for the rest of your life.

So whether it's a job, or a sport, or a hobby. Devote yourself to it. Don't slack like you always do (I know because that was me).

Be representable

Most people who label themselves as introvert are more introspective and aware.

The positive side of this is that they are good alone, and they have a much 'richer' internal world.

The downside is that introvert people are more aware how they are perceived. Because introvert people are more empathic and are better at feeling others.

So instead of being worried how you are perceived, become perceivable.

It sounds shallow, but it's true. People who look better, get treated better. Improve your looks, improve your social interactions.

Becoming more attractive is not difficult. But it takes effort.

Focus on:

1. Your body

2. Your appearance

3. Your mind

This newsletter is not about how you can become a bodybuilder. Get your body fat% to 10%. Eat meat, eggs and fruit. Work out 4 times a week. Go for a run and take walks. Sleep 8 hours.

That's the easiest no-bullshit advice for getting your body and fitness in check. You will feel 100x better. And when you feel better everything becomes easier.

Develop a sense of clothing style. Don't buy logo's, but invest in some high-quality pants and shirts.

Whenever I tell people that they should meditate to become more attractive they say I'm crazy.

By taking care of your mind, through reading, meditating and walks, you become more grounded. You become comfortable in your own skin.

And that's what a lot of introvert people lack.

Introvert people over-analyse everything by thinking about how they are perceived.

So taking care of how you look reduces the analysis. You know you look good.

You may read this and think: "But that's so shallow". Well, we live in a shallow world. People judge you on how you look. Whether you like it or not.

Be confident in silence

Being comfortable in silence is a superpower that few people master.

The minute a conversation dies, 99% of the people start yapping. They can't stand silence. 

The transformation an introvert needs to make is from:

thinking silence = awkward

to

silence = power.

When in conversation, let the other person do the talking. And when you got nothing valuable to say, say nothing. Don't be the guy who keeps on talking and talking and talking.

Learn to embrace the silence.

This doesn't mean that you disappear in the background. Speak up when you got something to say.

Drop the labels

Becoming more confident is the fastest way to get less introvert. But fact is that some people are more extravert than others.

I got friends who can keep a conversation going to every stranger they meet. I'm always in awe when I experience this.

One of those friends told me that I don't suck at social situations, I just think I suck. And therefore I suck at conversations.

Because I think I suck at conversations, I suck at conversations. Because I label myself as an introvert, I act as an introvert.

It is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You need to drop the labels you put on yourself. You need to change the narrative.

Go back to your childhood

There is a big chance that something happened in your childhood that made you shy, introvert, timid or quiet.

I remember that a teacher once told me in front of the whole class that I couldn't sing and that I didn't have any rhythm.

I also remember several occasions where 'friends' would ditch me to play with other friends.

How innocent these things sound, it made a big impact on me when I was 8 - 12 years old.

The narrative of "I'm not good enough / important enough" started here for me.

Take your time to travel back to your childhood. Write things down. Even things that might seem insignificant. Your personality is created in the first 10 years of your life.

So these things can have a lot of impact on you as a person.

Stop identifying

Realize that you are not that person anymore. You are not that kid from 20 years ago. Hell, you are not even the person from 1 year ago.

The only reason we identify with that story is because our ego needs a story to keeps itself alive.

Everytime you catch yourself telling a story why you act certain ways, ask yourself: "Do I still identify with this person?" Or do I tell myself this story because it's convenient.

That's one of the reasons why meditation is so important. You become more aware of your unconscious thoughts. And when you are aware of them, you can stop them.

Rewire your brain

Not identifying with former versions of yourself is the first step. The second step is to become a new version of yourself. A version that doesn't act like an introvert anymore.

In other words: rewire your brain.

You can read about socializing skills all you want, but if you don't practice you'll never get better.

So great people in the street. Make small-talks to co-workers. Ask friends how they are doing.

For me, the office is a great place to get out of my 'introvertedness'. I lead meetings, instead of being mude all the time.

I ask my manager to let me do the presentation, instead of hiding behind someone else.

All these things have rewired my brain into becoming more confident and mor social.

I used to loathe presentations, but now I've become pretty good at them. I even like it. Who would've thought that?

So practice. Take exercises. Set yourself the challenge of becoming good at socializing.

Socializing is another skill: practice

There isn't a magic trick to becoming magnetic in social situations. You build it up. By practicing every day.

pay attention

One of the most overlooked ways of improving your social skills is by watching how good talkers talk. Watch your friends, co-workers or even strangers talk.

What do they do? How do they hold eye contact? What questions do they ask? How do people talk to you?

The whole world is a playground. You can literally get better at anything by going out in the world.

Don't try to reinvent the wheel. Learn from others.

Actually practice

Yep, that's right. You knew I would say it. To get better at talking you have to... talk. So in every social setting, practice.

Be mindful of how you socialize. Reflect, and adjust. It's actually pretty easy to get to a moderate level of socializing.

Within no-time, you'll get over your introvertedness.

If you go to unversity or school, use that as your training area. Talk to other students. Ask questions in class.

If you got a job, use that. Make small-talk. Ask questions and give answers. Speak up. Because that's what the world misses nowadays: People with good ideas who dare to speak up.

Don't be afraid to be seen.

Your whole livelyhood depends on your level of extravertness and the way you articulate yourself.

Take time to recharge

All the advice above work wonders for becoming more outgoing. And it's necessary to be able to express yourself when needed.

But do take care of yourself.

Introvert persons need to charge their battery. Accept that of yourself. Know when to shine, know when to relax.

My favorite moment of the day is in the evening when I'm laying in bed, reading a book.

Stay true to yourself

I know its an open door, but don't put up a facade. Embrace the way you are wired, instead of resisting against it. But on the same time, don't hide against your shyness.

You probably got good things to say. You got good ideas. In fact, I read that 70% of the CEOs identify as an introvert.

You have an advantage against other people. You just have to learn how to play your cards right.

Take care,

VK